Virtual worlds, real nervous break

I think it was roughly this time last year I ragequit G+ and everything, I felt overwhelmed and also I had doubts about how healthy virtual worlds are for me, for my mental health.

I’m having a nervous breakdown again, this spring. I’m feeling like I’m fumbling and messing up my involvement with 3RG and squandering an opportunity there. I’m not mad (of course), instead I’m filled with a lot of dread and anxiety.

I am mad about a couple of other VW projects centered around SL. Long story short, I feel as though me and my contributions are getting blown off, which pisses me off.

Thing is, my sleep is fucked IRL -I think I’ve gotten one, maybe two full night’s sleep in the last month. That fucks with one’s head in a major way.

I stopped one mind-altering med (ritalin), went through withdrawls and now I’m starting another (provigil).

Then there’s RL stresses involving me and my friends’ medical conditions …doctors visits, arranging shopping, that sort of thing.

This leaves me in a raw emotional state and I don’t quite trust my judgement, either.

The easy way out is to say “well, blame the virtual drama, cut it out and life will be easier”. I tend to over-extend myself and that’s definately a contributing factor …but I believe that’s also a cop-out.

I fell for that cop-out last spring and found myself profoundly missing this part of my life, and found myself still having to cope with things; so no …I don’t buy that it’s an answer.

I’ve been dealing with clinical depression and (clinically diagnosed) agorophobia since my 20’s. In that time I’ve learned some DBT tricks and I think instead of blaming virtual worlds,  cutting and running from them it will be better if I lean on some of the lessons I got from DBT;

1)Self soothing …while I adjust, things are going to be a roller-coaster. The best way to get through it is to spend time w/ people who nourish me and find things that are fun and focus on those as much as possible.

2)Radical acceptance. I need to look at some things I’m deeply unhappy with, throw up my hands and say “fuck it …it is what it is”. This is in a virtual world context, mind you. Haters gonna hate, flakers gonna flake. I have to take things, orgs and people for what they are and work around that …instead of what I wish they were or the potential that I see in them.

3)Practicing more mindfulness and detachment. It’s really weird, because I don’t think of myself (and IRL I don’t present myself) as a very emotional person …but virtual worlds bring out a primal, emotional side of me and I have to cultivate some detachment regarding them.

It’s a question of getting RL sorted out -and RL *is* getting better…and then when RL is sorted out (particularly on the medication front) I’ll be able to see things for what they are; right now I don’t quite trust my perceptions on a lot of things (lack of sleep, med changes make me distrustful a bit).

I’m going to have to re-assess what I can do, and what’s WORTH doing. But it doesn’t have to take a ragequit to do that. It’s a question of giving myself time to heal IRL, soothing myself as I go through that, and then having faith that when I’m better I’ll see things clearer and can cope with stuff then.

So I’m not leaving -leaving would be pointless and it’s not necessary.


Published by: hanheld

I'm a virtual world resident; I build, blog and play with server software (these days, largely opensim).